Dear World
I have spent the past few weeks being told just how important it is for everyone to uphold the right for 'Freedom of Speech' and that by censoring certain groups, such as the BNP for example, then we are no better than then because it infringes on their right to 'make non-sensical racist, homophobic and sexist remarks in public without consequence".
I therefore feel that there are many other people who need to have a voice without fear of persecution.
Firstly people who wish to commit murder. It is your duty as members of a democratic country to ensure your views are heard loud and clear. It is only right that you are able to tell the world, in great detail, just how much you would enjoy to rape and kill the 75 year old woman that lives next door but one to you. Go out today and tell the world of your desire, safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to 'freedom of speech'.
Paedophiles too unite. It is time to tell the world just how much you love children and wish to engage is sexual activity with them. You should be able to have a forum with which you can share stories and anecdotes, perhaps a little club where you can get together, have a few drinks and share grooming techniques safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".
Finally Al Qaeda. As I have so rightly been informed by many of the sensible, well educated people (apparently) amongst us recently, by preventing you from vocalising you message's of hate in the media we are taking away your freedom of speech. I therefore urge the western media to provide you with a forum so, like the BNP, you too can explain to the world the dangers of a multi-cultural society and how important it is for people to adopt a fanatical point of view to the point where you are happy to blow yourself up safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".
lots of love, hugs and kisses
Les
xxx
Thursday 30 August 2007
Tuesday 14 August 2007
Salt and Vinegar is BLUE you idiots!
Dear Mr Walkers Crisps
Please find enclosed half a packet of your Salt an Vinegar flavoured crisps and two packets of other, rival company, salt and vinegar crisps.
You may wonder how these came to arrive on you desk when they clearly should have been consumed by now. The answer is simple. I HATE SALT AND BLOODY VINEGAR. they make my tongue all rough and horrible and make my lips burn.
"Why did you buy them then" i hear you ask. Well the honest reason is i didn't. I went to the shop to pick up a packet of Cheese and Onion for my lunch and reached for the lovely green packet that so obviously going to please me. I paid my 40p (40p for a packet of crisps? Yeah....THAT isn't extortionate!!!!) . At 1:30pm i sat at my desk....slowly opened the green, foil wrapped potato goodness, placed the crisp into my awaiting mouth and....
.......aggghghhhhhhhhh...SALT AND VINEGAR.
Please observe the other packets of S&V i have enclosed. Can you see how the differ from you packets? The quite blatantly BLUEness of the packets? BLUE! Yes...if you were unaware Salt and vinegar is blue (not ACTUALLY blue but crisp packet wise it is). You seem to have taken the cheese and onion GREEN and placed it on the wrong packet. May i suggest you take it upon yourself to sort this situation out before someone dies from a salt and vinegar induced fit due to allergy. It will save you a lot of money and time in the long run.
If you would be so kind as to send me back a packet of GREEN PACKETED cheese and onion i would very much appreciate it.
Love Les
P.S I apologise if you are colourblind.
Please find enclosed half a packet of your Salt an Vinegar flavoured crisps and two packets of other, rival company, salt and vinegar crisps.
You may wonder how these came to arrive on you desk when they clearly should have been consumed by now. The answer is simple. I HATE SALT AND BLOODY VINEGAR. they make my tongue all rough and horrible and make my lips burn.
"Why did you buy them then" i hear you ask. Well the honest reason is i didn't. I went to the shop to pick up a packet of Cheese and Onion for my lunch and reached for the lovely green packet that so obviously going to please me. I paid my 40p (40p for a packet of crisps? Yeah....THAT isn't extortionate!!!!) . At 1:30pm i sat at my desk....slowly opened the green, foil wrapped potato goodness, placed the crisp into my awaiting mouth and....
.......aggghghhhhhhhhh...SALT AND VINEGAR.
Please observe the other packets of S&V i have enclosed. Can you see how the differ from you packets? The quite blatantly BLUEness of the packets? BLUE! Yes...if you were unaware Salt and vinegar is blue (not ACTUALLY blue but crisp packet wise it is). You seem to have taken the cheese and onion GREEN and placed it on the wrong packet. May i suggest you take it upon yourself to sort this situation out before someone dies from a salt and vinegar induced fit due to allergy. It will save you a lot of money and time in the long run.
If you would be so kind as to send me back a packet of GREEN PACKETED cheese and onion i would very much appreciate it.
Love Les
P.S I apologise if you are colourblind.
Saturday 11 August 2007
Kids vs Gnomes
First published August 11th 2007, The Bolton News
I CANNOT believe that, in this day and age, children are still allowed to play outside their own houses.
What are the parents thinking?
I refer to the story "Street is split over children's football games" in The Bolton News (Wednesday, August 8).
I think it is ridiculous that other residents' associations would actually make the effort to look at providing areas for these young people to play safely - rather than just banishing them to watching violent films on YouTube or going out to beat up 60 year-old men!
Let's hope that the Jessop Forge Residents' Association wins its battle to stop children playing in their gardens. Then we can all sleep safely in the knowledge that garden gnomes everywhere will never be harmed again.
Friday 10 August 2007
Stacey's Comet
Written on behalf of Miss Stacey Roscoe
Dear Comet Head Office
I am writing on behalf of my client Stacey Roscoe of Great Lever, Bolton.
On Thursday 10th August 2007 Miss Roscoe walked into the Comet store in Middlebrook retail park in the hope of purchasing a Camcorder. She was so looking forward to getting the camera home so she could film herself performing to musical hits such as "Under the Sea" and "A Whole New World" however what occurred next, you must agree, was what only could be described as horrific.
Stacey had been informed by the "Expert Sales Person" that the camcorder came supplied with a USB cable for "quick and easy connection to a PC or laptop". Delighted at having found such a bargain Miss Roscoe returned home eager to try out her new toy. Upon opening the box however Miss Roscoe was faced with a gruesome sight.......
......there was no cable!
Returning with the camera to Comet, Stacey fond the delightful, not at all condescending sales person and explained the situation. "Not to worry Petal" said the delightful, not at all condescending or patronising sales representative " I'll give you one for half price".
Now clearly Stacey could have had every right at this point to make a formal complaint of sexual harassment however Stacey was just glad to finally be able to use her camera and create little films on her Laptop. However what happened next was even more horrific....
....it was the wrong cable!
I am writing to you now on her behalf to request that you could perhaps reimburse her travel expenses of £14.45 which she has incurred due to what can only be described as 'really bad customer service', as well as a refund for the USB cable and the supply of a USB cable that actually fits. Failure to do so will mean the return of the camera initially bought.
Hope you are having a nice day
Lots of Love
Les
xxxxx
Dear Comet Head Office
I am writing on behalf of my client Stacey Roscoe of Great Lever, Bolton.
On Thursday 10th August 2007 Miss Roscoe walked into the Comet store in Middlebrook retail park in the hope of purchasing a Camcorder. She was so looking forward to getting the camera home so she could film herself performing to musical hits such as "Under the Sea" and "A Whole New World" however what occurred next, you must agree, was what only could be described as horrific.
Stacey had been informed by the "Expert Sales Person" that the camcorder came supplied with a USB cable for "quick and easy connection to a PC or laptop". Delighted at having found such a bargain Miss Roscoe returned home eager to try out her new toy. Upon opening the box however Miss Roscoe was faced with a gruesome sight.......
......there was no cable!
Returning with the camera to Comet, Stacey fond the delightful, not at all condescending sales person and explained the situation. "Not to worry Petal" said the delightful, not at all condescending or patronising sales representative " I'll give you one for half price".
Now clearly Stacey could have had every right at this point to make a formal complaint of sexual harassment however Stacey was just glad to finally be able to use her camera and create little films on her Laptop. However what happened next was even more horrific....
....it was the wrong cable!
I am writing to you now on her behalf to request that you could perhaps reimburse her travel expenses of £14.45 which she has incurred due to what can only be described as 'really bad customer service', as well as a refund for the USB cable and the supply of a USB cable that actually fits. Failure to do so will mean the return of the camera initially bought.
Hope you are having a nice day
Lots of Love
Les
xxxxx
Any chance of that freedom yet?
Dear Britain and USA
Just wondering if there is any chance I could have that freedom that you promised me a few years ago yet? I don't want to come across as ungrateful or anything its just that I thought, you know, with Big Saddy gone I would have got it by now.
It'd be great if you could get it to me ASAP. The kids have been anticipating it for ages now and they are getting a little restless and you know what its like trying to keep 'em under control when they're upset. I could do the whole " kill a few of em to keep them quiet" thing that we used to do way back before 2001 but I'm worried one of them may phone Social Services and they'll take em off me for good.
So, sooner the better please chaps.
Get back soon
Iraq
Just wondering if there is any chance I could have that freedom that you promised me a few years ago yet? I don't want to come across as ungrateful or anything its just that I thought, you know, with Big Saddy gone I would have got it by now.
It'd be great if you could get it to me ASAP. The kids have been anticipating it for ages now and they are getting a little restless and you know what its like trying to keep 'em under control when they're upset. I could do the whole " kill a few of em to keep them quiet" thing that we used to do way back before 2001 but I'm worried one of them may phone Social Services and they'll take em off me for good.
So, sooner the better please chaps.
Get back soon
Iraq
Thursday 9 August 2007
Poisonous fumes and the rights of smokers
First published Saturday 7th July 2007, The Bolton News
May I take this opportunity to commend Nick Hogan and the patrons of The Swan Hotel, Bradshawgate in Bolton, for the stand they are making against the smoking ban, and the "human rights" that they are upholding (I am not entirely certain where "you have the right to inhale a mixture of poisons while simultaneously forcing those that do not wish to, inhale the same mixture of poisons whether they like it or not" is written, but it must be true otherwise they wouldn't be trying to uphold it, would they?)
The article in The Bolton News, July 2, inspired me to think about those other people that have had their "human rights" stripped by laws which "nanny" them, and I feel it is time for one particular group to make a stand. 
Motorists of Bolton unite. The drivers among us bought cars that travel at over 100mph for a reason, and it is time to make a stand and uphold that age old "human right" to "drive as fast as we want to regardless of whether we run children over or inflict death upon other drivers by ramming into the back of them at 120mph".
For too long has the government enforced speed restrictions on us under the guise of "health and safety". Let's go out and put pedal to the metal down Bradshawgate. Just be careful when you drive past The Swan, the thick smoke drifting out of the doors and windows may make it difficult to see where you are going.
Motorists of Bolton unite. The drivers among us bought cars that travel at over 100mph for a reason, and it is time to make a stand and uphold that age old "human right" to "drive as fast as we want to regardless of whether we run children over or inflict death upon other drivers by ramming into the back of them at 120mph".
For too long has the government enforced speed restrictions on us under the guise of "health and safety". Let's go out and put pedal to the metal down Bradshawgate. Just be careful when you drive past The Swan, the thick smoke drifting out of the doors and windows may make it difficult to see where you are going.
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