The day the Kaiser Chiefs were proven right!

Dear Britain

Over the past week we have some some absolutely horrific scenes as thousands of people, primarily youths, engaged in scenes that would make the Next sale queues look like a walk in the park.Shops and businesses throughout the country were looted and set alight, peoples lives were turned upside down and homes were destroyed. It became quickly apparent that one thing that was seriously lacking in society was 'Respect'. Respect for authority, respect for property and a massive lack of respect for each other in general. In fact the only thing that there doesn't seem to have been a lack of is 'excuses'. Let's take a look at some of my personal favourites.

'The riots occurred because a man with a gun got shot'

It is widely understood that it was the 'unprovoked' shooting of Mark Duggan (father of 4... I think it is law that the media have to point this fact out every time he is mentioned) that was the catalyst for these riots. And rightly so. I mean lets ignore the fact he had a gun for a second (I am sure he had a self loading handgun for a completely innocent reason), a dad was shot. Everyone knows dad's don't cause trouble, even ones with self loading handguns. He could have been a farmer...in Tottenham. Perfect reason for the rioting...no?

'Young people have nothing to do'

This is very true... Call of Duty MW3 isn't going to be released until November and everyone has finished COD: Black Ops. These kids COULD have spent their time doing what young people did when I was a kid, (building go carts, climbing trees, playing football, flicking through a discarded 'adult' magazine in the park... innocent stuff like that) but nothing can compare to nicking some Reeboks!

'The coalition government caused it'

Everyone knows that cutting EMA is a perfect excuse for a massive group of 9 to 30 year old's to go out and steal stuff. It doesn't matter that most of these people wouldn't be able to claim EMA anyway...what with them choosing not to go to college. I suppose it could have been a lack of employment prospects caused by lib/con economic policy (and not a thing to do with Labour letting banks do what they want for 12years of course!) but I'm not sure there are enough paper rounds to go around, especially not with the News of the World gone.

So there you have it. Perfect excuses for what has happened over the past 5 days. Indeed we haven't even touched on the 'coming from a single parent family' or 'living in a council house' yet. Oh wait... both of those applied to me growing up! better go grab myself a free telly!

love and hugs

Kev Walsh

xxxxx

How Cooperative are the Co-Op?

Dear Sir,

On Thursday 9th June 2011 I was invited to the CFS building on Miller Street, Manchester to be interviewed for the position of Information Analyst in the IT department of Co-operative Financial Services. Before I continue I must say that the interviewers where fantastic and made me feel extremely welcome, it was one of the most enjoyable interviews I have had in my lifetime.

You can understand my disappointment when, on Tuesday 14th June 2011, I was contacted by the CFS to be informed that they would not be taking my application any further due to "an adverse credit rating". I was immediately taken aback by this. Whilst I have, as many people in the UK have, defaulted a few times on various payments I have always strived to keep on top of my finances. A particularly difficult task given the current economic climate. 

After a few minutes i called the CFS representative who had contacted me to ask for clarification on a few things. Namely why a poor credit rating, due to defaults and NOT CCJ's or bankruptcy, would prevent me from being able to carry out the role of Internal Communications Analyst. I was informed that this was because I would be "unable to open a Staff Bank Account". 

Now I hope you do not mind sir but I was hoping for clarification on a number of things that your colleague was unable to provide.

1) Why is it a requirement that all employees hold a CFS Staff Bank Account?

2) Would it be possible for a CFS Staff member to carry out their role to full effect without holding a CFS Staff Account?

3) The CFS Values clearly state that the CFS:

• We put our members and customers first in all we do
• Together we create a great place to work, grow and develop
• We are open & fair and are committed to excellent communication
• We strive relentlessly to be faster, better more successful
• We take personal and social responsibility

Would it not be right to say then that by adopting a policy that ensures over 25% of the UK population are unable to pursue a career with the CFS (1 in 4 people are currently affected by poor credit history due to defaults) then the CFS are failing somewhat to uphold their values of taking personal and social responsibility; creating a great place to work grow and develop; and being open and fair and committed to excellent communication?

4) Will the CFS be able to reimburse my travel costs, totalling £8.05p, that i incurred whilst travelling to an interview for a job that, due to CFS policy, I had no chance of getting?

I do hope you can take the time to answer these queries. I am a great admirer of the CFS and the Co-Op Group and I would have been tremendously proud to have worked for an organisation that holds the very same values that I myself am so passionate about. It is just a shame that due to policy decisions in the organisation I shall, along with 15.5 million other people within the UK, be considered unemployable by the Co-op Financial Services.

Kindest regards

Les Miserables

Public Apology to Arriva buses

An open apology to Arriva buses

Dear Arriva

On Thursday 10th June at 9:30am I, Mr Les Mieserables, boarded the 575 carrying 3 hash browns. Upon boarding the bus the driver informed me that he wasn't supposed to let people on carrying food or drink. However, after i had manipulated him into believing that the hash browns were in fact going to be used as part of a dry stone wall i was building in my front garden i paid my £1.30 and sat down to enjoy the sound of a bag of cats being dipped in lava coming from the Nokia being held by the young man sat at the back of the bus. 

However i then did something i am not proud of and i feel inclined to apologise for. Once the bus was underway and i thought the driver was observing the traffic ahead, I removed one of the hash browns from its bag and began to nibble on the end of it. Tasting the golden, deep fried, grated potato must have done something to my mind for i then, without consideration for the driver or any of the other 6 passengers on the bus, took what can only be considered as a 'bite' from the hash brown.

Needless to say the bus promptly stopped and the driver, obviously being placed in a massive predicament after already breaking your rules of not allowing people on the bus who are carrying food or drink, asked me to vacate the bus. 

I would therefore like to publicly apologise for my behaviour to both the driver and other passengers on the bus and would like to reassure both Arriva and other bus companies that i will never repeat the offence again. However i can't help but feel that the 4 year old who was sat on his dad's knee drinking a carton of apple juice should have also been asked to vacate the bus. And why was the old lady carrying 4 tesco bags filled with frozen ready meals and cranberry juice allowed on? Obviously I fully understand the error of my ways but a bit of consistency wouldn't go amiss.

Love and Hugs

Les Miserables

xxxx

Technorati Stole My Blog

Yes technorati, of course i don't have any problem with having to insert a random sequence of letters into a new blog post just so you can verify i own it. here..

GJ5RQE7NKRWK

....anything else i can do for you? Would you like me to transfer my domain name to you? maybe cook you a pie?

Let me know

love and hugs

Les

An Ode to Santa

Inspired by the following article printed within The Bolton News, Wednesday 18th November 2009.
http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/4745233.Shortage_means_Santa_s_grotto_will_be_empty/

Twas the month before Christmas and all through the town,
Not a Santa was working, for none could be found.
They were all busy filling out forms of a sort,
that allowed them to show they had never been caught, 
doing anything likely to warrant arrest, 
that may prevent working with kids this xmas.  

Despite the fact mum and dad would be present, 
when young Freddie was sat discussing what presents, 
he would be receiving come Christmas day, 
the Grotto has had to turn them away. 
For unless Santa can prove that he is fine and upstanding, 
there is just no way he will be cleared for landing. 
So Prancer and Dancer and Blitzen and Comet, 
and the sleigh with all the presents up on it, 
That used to be welcome within the UK, 
will be asked to "move on. Be on your way".  

And it isn't just Santa who'll suffer this year,  
For the people of Britain there is no Christmas cheer. 
The bankers have ensured we are in crippling debt; 
Xmas is labelled 'offensive' by the politically correct; 
No more nativities or 'Away in a Manger', 
"we don't want to offend a non-Christian stranger". 

The irony is that the 'strangers' don't care,  
Because on Christmas Day they will likely be there, 
Opening presents, watching rubbish on telly, 
Wondering "what happened to that man with the belly? 
The one with the beard, the one who wore red. 
Who came down the chimney whilst the kids were in bed." 
"He's been made redundant because money is tight" 
But still.. goodwill to all and to all a goodnight.  

Love and Hugs  

Les

Refuse to Work

I am writing to pledge my support to the Bin Men and Women (Bin People?) of Bolton who, for too long, have been expected to work long hours for little pay and are now expected to work even longer hours for the same pay. 

For several years now these hard working individuals have been expected to be at work for 6:45am every morning where, after a brief 45 minute chat and a cup of tea, they climb into a truck and drive to the first street on their rounds. These men and women are then expected to climb down from the truck and physically push a bin with wheels on 20 or so yards to the truck. They must then wait a good 2 seconds whilst the lorry lifts the bin up for them and pours its contents into the rear of the truck before having to the push the bin, with wheels on, the 10 or so yards back to where ever they feel like dumping it.

This cycle continues right up until lunchtime which, incidentally, lasts just 19 hours.

And they are expected to carry out this work for an average wage of just over £18,000 per annum? Disgusting.

So people of Bolton join me in pledging your support to ensure the council cant impose a full working day on these hardworking individuals. Refuse (no pun intended) to have you bins collected or write a letter to your MP demanding that the old ways are brought back. You know... where the Bin People had to lift a big heavy metal bin and pour it into the lorry by hand. 

Love and hugs  

Les Miserables  

Tonge M......errr Ladybridge.

It's bin a while!

An Open Letter to Bolton Council Environmental Service Department

Good Morning. I do hope this letter find you and your Bolton Family in good health. How are the kids? (I mean apart from the ones that haven't been able to get into a primary school since you closed them all).

I was just writing to see if you would mind bringing one of those refuse trucks over to empty my wheelie bin. It's been a good two and a half weeks since anyone came to visit and Donald (the wheelie bin) has been complaining of indigestion.

I understand that many of your refuse workers are incredibly busy sitting around drinking tea and avoiding exercise, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the cat my 4 year old daughter has recently adopted, after finding it sniffing around the bin, is an impostor, (it has an incredibly long tail and seems to be wearing some sort of mouse outfit) and I am concerned all his friends may join him if the bins are not emptied quickly.

Please let me know if you would be able to do this soon. Alternatively if it would be easier for me and the other thousands of households in the area to bring our un-emptied bins into the town centre on Saturday 17th October at say, around 12pm, and wait on Victoria Square for collection the I'm sure this could be arranged.

Please get back soon

Hugs and Kisses

Kev Walsh
Tonge Moor

In Mourning

Clearly a copy and pasted e-mail that i didn't write but have no reference to who did so ill pretend its all my own work.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn’t always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Get out, You're bard!

In reply to letter sent into The Bolton News on Saturday 5th September 2009

Salutations

Is this a letter i see before me, vile words of hatred turned towards my hand? I do of course refer to the chastising words of Mssr P Godwin in his letter "Should the Bard be Banned?"(BN 5th September 2005). We get regular deliveries of the Bolton News up here in Heaven and i usually enjoy my daily read, however when i came across Mr Godwin's claims that my work was obsolete well.... lets just say it was a good job God had popped out to the cinema with Ghandi to watch Disney's G-force otherwise i may be writing this from a much warmer place.

How can this man say such things about the work i spent over 20 years of my life creating? Maybe i could have done with a spell checker or someone to proofread occasionally but to say that it has no relevance in today's society is ridiculous. I mean take Macbeth for example. Surely a play about a deranged Scottish man who takes control of the kingdom even though no-one else wants him to and then clings on for dear life only for it to all end in tears is relevant today is it not? Of course i can't think of any specific example....

Romeo and Juliet is of course a prophecy predicting the end of Islamic/Jewish tensions in Gaza (Just because it still hasn't happened does not mean it won't) and Midsummer Night's Dream..errr...well. I had been experimenting with some mushrooms I had found in the garden when i wrote that one. How was i to know it would end up being the forerunner to E4's 'Skins'?

Anyway I digress. My main reason for writing was to ask people to come and decide for themselves if my work is "out-dated" or "obsolete". I extend an invitation to the people of Bolton to join me and my good friends Elvis, Rod Hull and George Best (he was let out of hell early for good behaviour), over at Bolton Little Theatre between 12th and 19th of September to see the aforementioned, mushroom inspired, Midsummer Nights Dream being performed by a wonderfully talented group of volunteers. Just type www.blt.org.uk on that inter-webby thing you are all into nowadays for more information.

Well must dash. I have a reading group in an hour and have to finish reading 'The Hobbit' or Tolkein will start sulking again. Hope to see you all next week.

Love and Kisses

Bill Shakespeare

Schools Out Forever.

I write in regards to the recent news that primary school pupils in Bolton could be crammed into classes of 40 in the new term after Bolton Council made the extremely wise and shrewd cost saving decision to close several primary schools last year. Whilst I am not usually one to question the judgement of our wise and powerful council i do have grave concerns as to the effects this will have.

Firstly, how will the residents surrounding SS Osmund and Andrew’s Primary School in Falkirk Drive, Breightmet. be affected? They have had to suffer the pain and torment of hearing children playing for a number of years now. To increase the number of children who are likely to commit the grave and criminal act of 'playing' can only have major detrimental effects on the nearby residents who may even be forced to take drastic action, such as turning the volume up whilst watching Cash in the Attic or going for a walk.

Secondly, is it wise to use £14 million on expanding existing schools' capacities to deal with more pupils? Could this money not be better spent on more light-bulbs or putting hazardous paving stones down on St Gerorges Road? Perhaps, and this is just a wild idea i know, the £14 million could have been spent on keeping the schools that were closed last year running? Oh but of course. Everybody knows a primary school costs £14million to run each year....don't they? (Obviously someone missed a couple of zero's off the accounts that were presented at my last governors meeting just before the summer holidays. I shall have serious words regarding embezzlement).

Ah well, I'm sure the council know what they are doing. It's not as if they have made any silly decisions up until now have they?

Hugs and kisses

Les

xxx

Drives Me Crazy

Dear First, Arriva and other Bus companies operating in the area.

I would like to take this opportunity to publically thank you and your greed for ensuring I will never have the need to catch the bus to work ever again. By making the cost of a journey from Bolton Town Centre to the stop nearest to my home off Ainsworth Lane the same as a private taxi (£2) means i shall no longer have to endure screaming children, flatulent pensioners or teenagers playing the sound of The Lesser Tailed Screaming Lizard Pigeon off their mobile phones. Instead I can now relax in the comfort of a 5 door Mondeo driven erratically by a man that either speaks very little English, smells faintly of cheese and onion pasties or, in some cases, both.

Lets hope that people don’t start talking to each other when using public transport otherwise they may decided to all ‘chip in’ for a taxi and pay just 50pence each to get to their destination, a full 30pence LESS than the concessionary fare. Where would the bus services be then?

Don’t worry though, i’m sure people will continue to be non-the-wiser. Let’s just hope that some fellow hell-bent on eventually running the country doesn’t write in to the local paper to point it out.

Hugs and kisses

Les

The Irony

Dear Bolton News

On 6th June 1944 Allied forces made up of British, American and Canadian troops landed on the beaches of Normandy with the evil intentions of eradicating Europe of National Socialism. The National Socialists had been ‘democratically elected’ by the people of Germany due to their ‘well-thought out’ policies regarding immigration, economic regeneration and world domination. For 7 years the Nazis, led by the shy yet charming Mr Hitler, had quite happily strolled through Europe taking in the sights, chatting with the locals and exterminating 6 million innocent people. The British, however, decided that this wasn’t the way people should behave and put an end to it.

On 7th June 2009, a full 65 years and 1 day later, whilst cataloguing my hemp and sorting through my collection of National Socialist German Workers Party memorabilia, I was struck by the news from my wireless that the honest, upstanding and tolerant Mr Griffin had been elected as an MEP for the North West and that his equally tolerant and honest colleague Mr Brons from Yorkshire had also been elected, on the basis of ‘well-thought out’ policies regarding immigration, economic regeneration and world domination. It is only a matter of time now that the shy, yet charming Mr Griffin, will stroll though Europe taking in the sights and chatting with the locals.....etc etc.

That’s unless the British decide this isn’t the way people should behave and put an end to it.

Lots of love and hugs

Les

'Feelgood' about a Nuclear Winter

First printed in the Bolton News.

10:30am Friday 29th May 2009

I COMPLETELY agree with “Name and address supplied” in The Bolton News regarding “What is there to feel good about?” (May 27).

Who on earth do the directors of Bolton Little Theatre think they are?

For 78 years they have been allowing talented volunteers to waste their time putting on “performances” for the people of Bolton when they should have all been at home documenting their varied collection of hemp like the rest of us.

I find it utterly disgusting that anyone would want to engage with others in an evening of laughter and entertainment.

It makes me especially angry when people would willingly watch a play that pokes fun at the fine upstanding citizens we have elected as our MPs. These people deserve our support, not ridicule.

So, I urge you, people of Bolton, don’t be tempted by an evening of humour, farce and satire.

Instead, close the curtains, take out the hemp and join me as we slowly wait for the nuclear winter that North Korea is intent on inflicting upon us — and bring a sweater . . . it may get chilly.

Love and hugs.

Les

The Harsh Truth about Poverty in Britain

On Friday 13th March 2009 millions of people across Britain tuned in to watch Comic Relief. Over the course of the evening we were brought to tears by horrific stories of families forced to live in horrendous conditions. Malnourished and without any money having to endure day after day of hardship to just survive. Little did we know that there were families on our very own doorsteps having to endure almost the same lifelong struggle against poverty on a daily basis.

One such family, the Chawner’s (BN Wednesday 18th March: “Too Fat to Work”) find everyday a struggle to survive. Forced to live in a house made of bricks, heated only by gas and electricity, the family have just 22thousand pounds a year to live off and regularly find themselves struggling to cope.

Every week Mrs Chawner is forced to walk the long, arduous 2feet across the room to one of the families only two computers and visit asda.com where she can only afford to buy the necessities of microwavable pies, biscuits, bacon, bread and cereal. Meanwhile her daughter, Emma, has to attend a hairdressing course for 12 hours a week, meaning she has no time to do things that other girls her age do, like squat thrusts or eat a salad.

There are families all over Britain suffering in the same way struck down by laziness. We must help them. By pledging just 1pound a day you too can ensure these brave souls don’t have to turn to last ditch measures to survive, such as finding a job.

Freeeeeee.....to say what ever you want!

Dear World

I have spent the past few weeks being told just how important it is for everyone to uphold the right for 'Freedom of Speech' and that by censoring certain groups, such as the BNP for example, then we are no better than then because it infringes on their right to 'make non-sensical racist, homophobic and sexist remarks in public without consequence".

I therefore feel that there are many other people who need to have a voice without fear of persecution.

Firstly people who wish to commit murder. It is your duty as members of a democratic country to ensure your views are heard loud and clear. It is only right that you are able to tell the world, in great detail, just how much you would enjoy to rape and kill the 75 year old woman that lives next door but one to you. Go out today and tell the world of your desire, safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to 'freedom of speech'.

Paedophiles too unite. It is time to tell the world just how much you love children and wish to engage is sexual activity with them. You should be able to have a forum with which you can share stories and anecdotes, perhaps a little club where you can get together, have a few drinks and share grooming techniques safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".

Finally Al Qaeda. As I have so rightly been informed by many of the sensible, well educated people (apparently) amongst us recently, by preventing you from vocalising you message's of hate in the media we are taking away your freedom of speech. I therefore urge the western media to provide you with a forum so, like the BNP, you too can explain to the world the dangers of a multi-cultural society and how important it is for people to adopt a fanatical point of view to the point where you are happy to blow yourself up safe in the knowledge that you are only exercising your right to "freedom of speech".

lots of love, hugs and kisses

Les

xxx

Salt and Vinegar is BLUE you idiots!

Dear Mr Walkers Crisps

Please find enclosed half a packet of your Salt an Vinegar flavoured crisps and two packets of other, rival company, salt and vinegar crisps.

You may wonder how these came to arrive on you desk when they clearly should have been consumed by now. The answer is simple. I HATE SALT AND BLOODY VINEGAR. they make my tongue all rough and horrible and make my lips burn.

"Why did you buy them then" i hear you ask. Well the honest reason is i didn't. I went to the shop to pick up a packet of Cheese and Onion for my lunch and reached for the lovely green packet that so obviously going to please me. I paid my 40p (40p for a packet of crisps? Yeah....THAT isn't extortionate!!!!) . At 1:30pm i sat at my desk....slowly opened the green, foil wrapped potato goodness, placed the crisp into my awaiting mouth and....

.......aggghghhhhhhhhh...SALT AND VINEGAR.

Please observe the other packets of S&V i have enclosed. Can you see how the differ from you packets? The quite blatantly BLUEness of the packets? BLUE! Yes...if you were unaware Salt and vinegar is blue (not ACTUALLY blue but crisp packet wise it is). You seem to have taken the cheese and onion GREEN and placed it on the wrong packet. May i suggest you take it upon yourself to sort this situation out before someone dies from a salt and vinegar induced fit due to allergy. It will save you a lot of money and time in the long run.

If you would be so kind as to send me back a packet of GREEN PACKETED cheese and onion i would very much appreciate it.

Love Les

P.S I apologise if you are colourblind.

Kids vs Gnomes

First published August 11th 2007, The Bolton News

I CANNOT believe that, in this day and age, children are still allowed to play outside their own houses.

What are the parents thinking?

I refer to the story "Street is split over children's football games" in The Bolton News (Wednesday, August 8).

I think it is ridiculous that other residents' associations would actually make the effort to look at providing areas for these young people to play safely - rather than just banishing them to watching violent films on YouTube or going out to beat up 60 year-old men!

Let's hope that the Jessop Forge Residents' Association wins its battle to stop children playing in their gardens. Then we can all sleep safely in the knowledge that garden gnomes everywhere will never be harmed again.

Stacey's Comet

Written on behalf of Miss Stacey Roscoe

Dear Comet Head Office

I am writing on behalf of my client Stacey Roscoe of Great Lever, Bolton.

On Thursday 10th August 2007 Miss Roscoe walked into the Comet store in Middlebrook retail park in the hope of purchasing a Camcorder. She was so looking forward to getting the camera home so she could film herself performing to musical hits such as "Under the Sea" and "A Whole New World" however what occurred next, you must agree, was what only could be described as horrific.

Stacey had been informed by the "Expert Sales Person" that the camcorder came supplied with a USB cable for "quick and easy connection to a PC or laptop". Delighted at having found such a bargain Miss Roscoe returned home eager to try out her new toy. Upon opening the box however Miss Roscoe was faced with a gruesome sight.......

......there was no cable!

Returning with the camera to Comet, Stacey fond the delightful, not at all condescending sales person and explained the situation. "Not to worry Petal" said the delightful, not at all condescending or patronising sales representative " I'll give you one for half price".

Now clearly Stacey could have had every right at this point to make a formal complaint of sexual harassment however Stacey was just glad to finally be able to use her camera and create little films on her Laptop. However what happened next was even more horrific....

....it was the wrong cable!

I am writing to you now on her behalf to request that you could perhaps reimburse her travel expenses of £14.45 which she has incurred due to what can only be described as 'really bad customer service', as well as a refund for the USB cable and the supply of a USB cable that actually fits. Failure to do so will mean the return of the camera initially bought.

Hope you are having a nice day

Lots of Love

Les
xxxxx

Any chance of that freedom yet?

Dear Britain and USA

Just wondering if there is any chance I could have that freedom that you promised me a few years ago yet? I don't want to come across as ungrateful or anything its just that I thought, you know, with Big Saddy gone I would have got it by now.

It'd be great if you could get it to me ASAP. The kids have been anticipating it for ages now and they are getting a little restless and you know what its like trying to keep 'em under control when they're upset. I could do the whole " kill a few of em to keep them quiet" thing that we used to do way back before 2001 but I'm worried one of them may phone Social Services and they'll take em off me for good.

So, sooner the better please chaps.

Get back soon

Iraq

Poisonous fumes and the rights of smokers

First published Saturday 7th July 2007, The Bolton News

May I take this opportunity to commend Nick Hogan and the patrons of The Swan Hotel, Bradshawgate in Bolton, for the stand they are making against the smoking ban, and the "human rights" that they are upholding (I am not entirely certain where "you have the right to inhale a mixture of poisons while simultaneously forcing those that do not wish to, inhale the same mixture of poisons whether they like it or not" is written, but it must be true otherwise they wouldn't be trying to uphold it, would they?)

The article in The Bolton News, July 2, inspired me to think about those other people that have had their "human rights" stripped by laws which "nanny" them, and I feel it is time for one particular group to make a stand.

Motorists of Bolton unite. The drivers among us bought cars that travel at over 100mph for a reason, and it is time to make a stand and uphold that age old "human right" to "drive as fast as we want to regardless of whether we run children over or inflict death upon other drivers by ramming into the back of them at 120mph".

For too long has the government enforced speed restrictions on us under the guise of "health and safety". Let's go out and put pedal to the metal down Bradshawgate. Just be careful when you drive past The Swan, the thick smoke drifting out of the doors and windows may make it difficult to see where you are going.