Drives Me Crazy

Dear First, Arriva and other Bus companies operating in the area.

I would like to take this opportunity to publically thank you and your greed for ensuring I will never have the need to catch the bus to work ever again. By making the cost of a journey from Bolton Town Centre to the stop nearest to my home off Ainsworth Lane the same as a private taxi (£2) means i shall no longer have to endure screaming children, flatulent pensioners or teenagers playing the sound of The Lesser Tailed Screaming Lizard Pigeon off their mobile phones. Instead I can now relax in the comfort of a 5 door Mondeo driven erratically by a man that either speaks very little English, smells faintly of cheese and onion pasties or, in some cases, both.

Lets hope that people don’t start talking to each other when using public transport otherwise they may decided to all ‘chip in’ for a taxi and pay just 50pence each to get to their destination, a full 30pence LESS than the concessionary fare. Where would the bus services be then?

Don’t worry though, i’m sure people will continue to be non-the-wiser. Let’s just hope that some fellow hell-bent on eventually running the country doesn’t write in to the local paper to point it out.

Hugs and kisses

Les

Poisonous fumes and the rights of smokers

First published Saturday 7th July 2007, The Bolton News

May I take this opportunity to commend Nick Hogan and the patrons of The Swan Hotel, Bradshawgate in Bolton, for the stand they are making against the smoking ban, and the "human rights" that they are upholding (I am not entirely certain where "you have the right to inhale a mixture of poisons while simultaneously forcing those that do not wish to, inhale the same mixture of poisons whether they like it or not" is written, but it must be true otherwise they wouldn't be trying to uphold it, would they?)

The article in The Bolton News, July 2, inspired me to think about those other people that have had their "human rights" stripped by laws which "nanny" them, and I feel it is time for one particular group to make a stand.

Motorists of Bolton unite. The drivers among us bought cars that travel at over 100mph for a reason, and it is time to make a stand and uphold that age old "human right" to "drive as fast as we want to regardless of whether we run children over or inflict death upon other drivers by ramming into the back of them at 120mph".

For too long has the government enforced speed restrictions on us under the guise of "health and safety". Let's go out and put pedal to the metal down Bradshawgate. Just be careful when you drive past The Swan, the thick smoke drifting out of the doors and windows may make it difficult to see where you are going.