Wednesday 30 September 2009

In Mourning

Clearly a copy and pasted e-mail that i didn't write but have no reference to who did so ill pretend its all my own work.

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:


- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn’t always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.


Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Monday 7 September 2009

Get out, You're bard!

In reply to letter sent into The Bolton News on Saturday 5th September 2009

Salutations

Is this a letter i see before me, vile words of hatred turned towards my hand? I do of course refer to the chastising words of Mssr P Godwin in his letter "Should the Bard be Banned?"(BN 5th September 2005). We get regular deliveries of the Bolton News up here in Heaven and i usually enjoy my daily read, however when i came across Mr Godwin's claims that my work was obsolete well.... lets just say it was a good job God had popped out to the cinema with Ghandi to watch Disney's G-force otherwise i may be writing this from a much warmer place.

How can this man say such things about the work i spent over 20 years of my life creating? Maybe i could have done with a spell checker or someone to proofread occasionally but to say that it has no relevance in today's society is ridiculous. I mean take Macbeth for example. Surely a play about a deranged Scottish man who takes control of the kingdom even though no-one else wants him to and then clings on for dear life only for it to all end in tears is relevant today is it not? Of course i can't think of any specific example....

Romeo and Juliet is of course a prophecy predicting the end of Islamic/Jewish tensions in Gaza (Just because it still hasn't happened does not mean it won't) and Midsummer Night's Dream..errr...well. I had been experimenting with some mushrooms I had found in the garden when i wrote that one. How was i to know it would end up being the forerunner to E4's 'Skins'?

Anyway I digress. My main reason for writing was to ask people to come and decide for themselves if my work is "out-dated" or "obsolete". I extend an invitation to the people of Bolton to join me and my good friends Elvis, Rod Hull and George Best (he was let out of hell early for good behaviour), over at Bolton Little Theatre between 12th and 19th of September to see the aforementioned, mushroom inspired, Midsummer Nights Dream being performed by a wonderfully talented group of volunteers. Just type www.blt.org.uk on that inter-webby thing you are all into nowadays for more information.

Well must dash. I have a reading group in an hour and have to finish reading 'The Hobbit' or Tolkein will start sulking again. Hope to see you all next week.

Love and Kisses

Bill Shakespeare